Bat Ejection Techniques Country Survival Course # 27
People Lie! They lie about the happiness of rural resettlement. They lie about the size of the fish they catch. They lie there to be there for you. But usually they lie about bats! Such a stupid thing, but nobody can admit the ugly truth. Bats only come in your house. It never happens to me, say friends. Liars!
Proof until the contrary exists. Bat visits have taken place regularly in all three of my houses. Each one was another style house, in another village with different surroundings. No way I am the only person to whom it happens! I believe the annual summer bat is not a part of normal life when butter is fat-free and Smuckys Electric comes back to me with the wiring estimate they promised just before the mammoth dies.
One of my sisters in particular gets a kick to tell people that I’m a witch wearing my bat, like anorexics that go to the Cannes Film Festival. She does it as a competitive sport in my family. Of course I can even point out in this very public essay that she is my old sister for a decade. However, I am too peaceful and well centered for such adolescent behavior. In addition, you are here to learn a good country knowledge, the Bat Ejection Technique (BET).
Lesson 1 Why BET
Rural residents must master all of Bette. Realtors will never admit that the wars of the Coloptera in the West are associated. Property values will tumble! In the midst of all this denial, a seamy cover has formed. Copies of Bat Removal for Dummies are burned in agriculture, and members of the Association of Dead Ducks supply bats to farms under the cover of darkness.
If my towns live City Idiot, I prefer to break ranks. If Cidiots are not taught to deal properly with winged rodents, both will suffer. Bats will be bowed to walls with brooms. If not, Cidiot houses will overflow with winding blankets of shrinkage. People will be dropped back to the burbs in troops. Totally selfish – I need newcomers to stay in the country. Please do not leave me alone here! Take notes.
Lesson 2 – History of the BET
For any reason, fill bats houses in pairs. My hypothesis is; One keeps the dog door open while the others fly by and point versa. Attempts to document this behavior were complicated by the presence of innumerable dogs that closed my eyes when I rolled out the laundry room floor. Nevertheless, like bats to Noah’s ark, they come to two.
Throughout history, Novice Bat Ejectors wiped out unwanted invaders with the pacifist Zero Interference Technique (ZIT). For a real, all the windows and doors and windows open on the floor and wait for the bats to fly back. I investigated the effectiveness of this method at my first country house. There are three problems with this technique:
Bats never go as easily as they enter. One can learn Arabic before the ZIT fixes things.
Heat leaves homes fairly quickly, leading to cold sits.
Bats tend to meet in the middle of the night. Sleep deprivation is a direct side effect of ZITs.
Lesson 3 Modernization
Athletics newbies often combine the open window / approach of a seat with a more proactive approach. They jump around with a blanket in an attempt to herd bats outside. This is the Pet Herding Ejection Technique (CHET). A good CHET takes two people. Even then, CHET’s are difficult.
Bats do not know that they should not fly over the blanket.
The technique becomes completely ineffective when your man who wants to keep the opposite side of the blanket stops, falls and rolls every time he spots a thirty meter bat.
At night, neighbors can see you, but not the bat. So there you go amuck in your PJs. The doors and windows are wide open when you flush over furniture with your flagged fabric in sleep. Meanwhile, your underwear-dressed man who believes a version of recurring epileptic attacks. And you, your cold hearted bitch, just keep dancing.
Lesson 4 BET Evolution
Bat invasion number three of year number two was a turning point for me. For a bizarre reason I was the morning dish. We should have been out of coffee. It was clear that I was not quick enough to get out of court. Suddenly I hear the loud conversations of a breeze straight over my head.
The space over my closets is where all my giant jelly boilers are ready. Grab the stool, I listened closely and listened. Something was dark in my stalks, like a cave, the crazy bugger. Please do not let it fly. I have to go to town this morning, I thought. There was no time for traditional CHET dance.
My cerebral bulb clicked. Shark, it’s easier to catch bats when they do not move. A Nobel Prize for Mine. Apparently the dish just shows a net worth. I slipped a plate over the stone wall and went out of my prison.
Removing plates, shaking upside down and plop. The bat was on the ground. I watched for a moment to make sure my boys’ devil’s cat did not arrive. Eventually the bat was oriented and flown with draftsman. Dam, I’m good, I swam. Then I turned and took two steps to the door. Gasp! Jump! Cursed!
Something bad hit my bare foot. Reflexes have taken over. I went for a field goal. Another bat was in the jar. Cursed! Hebbie Jebies! Will I never learn? Twos, always two! Scratches, small claws on my foot – it was all too early. First dishes than this.
The traumatized bat has landed several feet away. It took a good five minutes before the winged threat had recovered enough to fly. On my way to the village, I left a nut for my son. Finish the dish.
Lesson 5 BET Mastery
I learned two things in the morning. First, generic dish soap suck. Secondly, a motionless bat is the best bat to catch. To chase them is a foolish game. In retrospect, Samuel, my Great Pirenee, tried to point out earlier this spring.
Hearing one of the midnight riots, I have chosen all my dogs. There was no need to seek the cause. I then knew what the combination of bark and a synchronized chase meant at 1:00 Ho hum, more bats in the house. The other dogs have met. Sam, however, is sleepy, stubborn, sad and guilty.
Anyone who possesses a Pireneans knows that is their natural state. Just as I asked, Samuel, go! I caught the smaller wing that protrudes under its massive forelegs. Here Mom, a motionless bat is the best bat to catch. He is a genius!
Grab a teacup or the aquarium net and a saucer.
Wait for a landing.
Head over the Bat
Sheep or magazine gently slipped.
Finally, the door goes to
Hee Haw! With practice you’ll be back in bed before the underwear-dressed epileptic knowing you’re gone. You can bet there.