The Perks Of Global Warming
Marya Mannes once wrote, The earth we abuse and the living things we kill will eventually take revenge; because in the utilization of their presence we reduce our future. Mannes Mannes obviously chose the status quo – health, common sense, logic, blah, blah, blah. Why? Green House Roulette is so much more intriguing.
In the country, everything again affects everything. For five years, West Dakota was caught by drought. Water and hay disappear. Farms and farms blow away. While the government radiates the victims of hurricanes and says South Dawho? our cattle are pis dust mite. Fortunately, things look up.
There is good news! Those other glaciers end up finally! Last year, an eight-nation report estimated an area of Arctic ice the size of Texas and Kansas was gone. For those who are geographically disabled, it is an area larger than a breadbox.
Initially, news of devastating global climate change may seem a bit of a bummer. Then I read a LA Times article and had a heartbeat. The article started with the usual gloom. Greenland icecream melts. Our kisses will flow from rising seawater. Inuit hunters fall through thin ice. Melting glaciers change ocean temperature and salinity that flows through the jet, leading to changed weather patterns worldwide. Many species die. . . This was disturbing.
Then I came to the articles’ final paragraph. Bam! My faith is restored. Here the times have pointed out the benefits of global warming. Seriously, the article actually ended and said: The report is not all somber. A warmer arctic can increase the number of species like Arctic char, a fish. It can expand the growing season for wheat in Canada and now open traitorous seeroets, such as the Northwest Passage and the North Sea Route, which is in parallel with Russia, for shipping and resource exploration.
Three cheers for the LA Times! It is true! Everybody is not gloomy. With that glittering little sunshine, my shipwreck pumped up, I could see things in a whole new light. I have begun thinking of other benefits for global warming. Soon you will agree that people will benefit from all walks of life.
To start, Inuit Hunters will benefit! As soon as Inuit has nothing left to hunt, they will not need to fall through thin ice. Plus, if they need food, they’ll be ripe for a swing (pontons, not ice) Arctic Super Wal-Mart. Come on, Sam.
Boat owners will benefit! Not only will it be slippery by the previously difficult ice of the Northwest Passage, but every summer, cruisers can travel straight on Bourbon Street in New Orleans.
Scuba divers will benefit! There will be no more burning coral cuts. In fact, there will be no more coral. Once all the reefs are gone, divers can pick up emergency kits and dive straight. A little silt never cut anyone.
Canadian Wheat Farmers will benefit! You see, there is a 10% decrease in the yield of wheat from Midwest crops for each degree of global warming. No worries, but wheat can now take the place of wheat. Think of all the delicious Wheat dogs at the ball game. How about chopped corn with butter at the movie or stupid wheat on the head? Everybody screams good to me.
While it is a little ironic that ethanol is made from corn crops that destroy global warming, I’m sure some aspirant chemist will rise to the challenge of developing Wheatanol. Imagine that Canuck Wheat Farmers has more influence than the Saudi Royal Family.
Dune-Buggy enthusiasts will benefit! The Dakota will soon open again for your 4-wheel pleasure. Join the Mount Rushmore Nose Climb on July 4th! This will be a bugger of a challenge!
Ecotourism operators will benefit! Companies can offer new Emaciation Tour Packages. Tourists get closer pictures of icebergs and whales when they are hungry for starvation to go away. In addition, long journeys to Inuit villages can be avoided when they are forced to beg on the streets of Nome (or cash at Wal-Mart).
Finally, the next generation of Bush family politicians will benefit! Again, they can not address campaign issues, this time by deduction of dehydrated voters with greasy campaign phrases like; No Kyoto Pact-No Ice Pack, or Dead Seals Never Flip-Flop, Even Promising No Char Left. Not to mention offering new SPF 800 tax credits.
Well, with golly I feel better! Will we rotate the Role Wheel?